He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
