We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
