I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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