I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
