Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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