I am puke
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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