I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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