Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
