oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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