i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just found a bag of teeth...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
