I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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