I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
