What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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