what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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