please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
