we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
