good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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