dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
