im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
