I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
