I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
