How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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