I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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