I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
