you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize