I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
