So drunk its hurt
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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