I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i believe in u and ur pee
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