Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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