I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize