Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
