my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize