My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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