my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
