dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
