I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She's the barista slut.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
