I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
