note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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