I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
