bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
