i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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