If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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