Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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