i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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