Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
