I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
