totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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