I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
