I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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