he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
