My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
