i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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