When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
