i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
