We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
