my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
