I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
