We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
