I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
