nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize