she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
