apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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