I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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