Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize