i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
