He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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