me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize